


Ruin

by Thepoetrystudent



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Betrayal, Bittersweet, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Friendship, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, References to Depression, Romance, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-11-13 10:35:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18030113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thepoetrystudent/pseuds/Thepoetrystudent
Summary: What if in order to save the love of your life you had to broke her heart? Would be with it to live if everyone you love think the worst about you?To save her, first, you must ruin her and try not to fall apart in the process.





	1. 2 am

**Author's Note:**

> JK has it all. I own nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JK has it all. I own nothing.

" _Two AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,_  
_Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?"_

_(Anna Nalick)_

Something is buzzing. The bed is vibrating and not in a naughty sense… what time is it? It must be her. I was dreaming of us. We were so happy. How did I end up here? Another buzz. What time is it? Two a.m. my mind screams. I close my eyes for a minute and I remember the last time I saw her. She was standing outside her house, devastation in her eyes.  I ask for her forgiveness before I disappear. The pain comes. I miss her so much, her auburn hair, her lips, her smell. I need to pick up the call, if I don't answer the woman asleep beside me is going to wake up and I don't want to fight her again. But the truth is, I need to talk to her, hear her, touch him, smell her. It's a drug. She has been my addiction since 4th year.

 

“Hello.”

 

Silence. I can hear her breathing on the other side of the phone…it is only like that when she is crying. Sharp and fast. Is she having another anxiety crisis? My heart aches. I begin to leave the bed and get out of the bedroom.

 

“Lily? Talk to me.”

 

I can hear the ocean and her sobbing gets harder. I feel like I am drowning and there is no air. She can't breathe. I can't. It's not fair. I am responsible for this. This pain and sorrow should be only mine. It's my fault. I did it. I broke us.

 

“Please.” My voice breaks.

 

“I can't. Not alone.” She whispers and ends the call.

 

I am terrified. Is she alone? What if someone followed her? Flashes of her self-destruction tendencies come to my mind. Her insomnia after the Snape incident, the way she refused to eat for days while grieving her father... I know that when she is pain her surviving instincts don’t work well and she can become a danger to herself.  I must go to her. Where is my wand? In my hurry to leave the bed, I must have left it there. Damn it. 

 

The bedroom’ door opens and I see Marlene staring at me with disappointed eyes, her wand in hand. Blue eyes stare at me pleading.  All I can think of is that they are not green. Blue is the wrong color.

 

“You can't go to her.”

 

She tells me in a controlled voice that I learn to hate so much. No passion. No feeling. Does she remember that Lily used to be one of her best friends? How can she not care? This stupid obsession with me is really worth it? Our reasons for betraying her are so different. But nobody can know. I must not go there. “Lock your thoughts, Potter!”  I can hear Snape screaming in my mind.

 

“I need to, Marls. She is at the beach. Alone. I must. You know how she is when...” I am so worried and losing my time with this pointless conversation. I hate it. Her. Me. All of it.

 

“No. You will not make a fool of me. You made your bed, lie in it, James.” She hisses at me and I cannot recognize the girl who used to play with me. She was so kind and thoughtful so different from this jealous person that I am getting to know these past months. It seems like two different people and I cannot reconcile the two of them, so I try to plead with the one I used to know.

 

“Marlene...aren't you worried? You used to love her too.”

 

“Call one of the marauders if you are so worried about her well-being. You will not go, Potter. Not if you want me to keep pretending”. She says before leaving.

 

Aaaargh.I want to scream at her. I punch the wall because I need something to be as broken as I am. My mind is swirling; I can't call Sirius. Wormtail won't pick up the phone at this hour and he was never a fan of her. I can only call Remus, but on the other hand, I am still afraid of talking to him. He was always hers before being mine. I remember his threats when we decided to be together and to know that I did exactly what he asked me not to do is so hard. But it must be him.

 

“Moon... Remus, I know you don't want to talk to me. But it's Lily.” I say exasperated and pray to the gods that he listens before he decides to hang up on me. The thing about Remus is that he never fights, he doesn't argue, never, his anger is silent and dangerous. He will murder you in your sleep without further notice. He doesn’t lose his time making empty threats or warning the enemy. Sirius and I, we are loud fighters. Fuck. I must not go there yet. I put Sirius back to his box in my mind.  I miss him, all of them, I wish I could say that to Moony.

 

“Shit. I didn't hear her leave. We were so drunk.” and I hear his fast footsteps, and things crashing. And I smile remembering his clumsiness. 

 

“I think I know where…”  I begin to talk.

 

“Stop, James. We all know where she goes to when sadness overcome her common sense. It's always the same beach, the same lighthouse.” I can feel his ire through the phone and even knowing that we are miles away from each other I tremble a bit.

 

“Re...I am sorry. She keeps calling me and Marlene is becoming irritating. Marlene...”

 

“Can go fuck herself for all I care. Don't think for a minute that I feel sorry for her or you. Lily is broken. I don't know what dumb thought you had, what goddamn reason you think you had to this stupid thing, because you refuse to tell me the truth, Potter.  But I hope it’s really noble, I pray to Merlin that is the most important thing in the world because you two broke her... and Sirius. You betrayed everyone. They are both trying to die in their own ways. So, forgive me, if I don't care if your bimbo girlfriend can't sleep. Because Lily doesn't sleep or eat, she cries every night. God help you if something happens to her. She is in hell.”

 

I should have died. The solution should be my death, not all this suffering. Why didn't he just kill me, the little coward?

 

“I am in hell too, Remus. Please, make sure she is alright. Please. If you can, I know I don't deserve, just let me know she is alright. There is no hidden truth just the fact that I have always been this horrible person.”

 

I hear he sighing before he says his last piece.

 

“Bye, James. I need to go.”

 


	2. Ironic

**Ironic**

 

_Isn't it ironic... don't you think?_

_(Alanis Morissette)_

 

 

The thing about war is that you can never hide from the things you are most afraid of forever. There is always a moment when your fear materializes in front of your eyes. No matter how fast and hard you run, life makes you look danger in the eye, make you face what you are not prepared as some kind of test to see if you are able to survive. If you are lucky, it only happens once. My problem is that I spent all my luck in my youth. My friends and I used to do all kinds of mischief without being caught, from running out of school to drink in the village to becoming unregistered animagus, we could always walk away with only a few detentions. In one of our worst moments, I was lucky enough to avoid someone from dying because of one of my best friends’ prank.

So, my theory is that I spent all of my luck and now if a thing can go wrong for me in my fucked up life, it certainly will.

 

After the worst day of my existence or, as I like to call, the ultimate fucking betrayal, I wished for only a few things in my life: to not seeing Lily, to not facing Sirius, to avoid being killed by Remus and, my princess dream - rip out Voldemort’s heart with my bare hands. What can I say? I am a simple man. Obviously, I got none of those things - well, to be fair, I am still alive, so I got one, although I'm not sure it is for the best. As I learned these last months, when you are slow dancing in a burning room you can be sure that every breath you take is going to burn like hell.

 

It was in an emergency order meeting when I saw Remus again and learned that all that hoped for would not be happening anytime soon, no matter how much you want to crawl and cry for the shite life you get, war doesn't give you space to suffer. I just pour it all in your head.

 

*****

 

“Hello, James, please take a sit,” Minnie said without looking in my eyes. I will never understand how can she knows when I am sneaking behind her in a room. She has been doing this since I was eleven and never was I capable to disclose how she does it.

 

“Hello, Minnie. Sorry for my lateness.” I said with my fake confident voice before turning to her.

 

“No need for excuses, kid, I am just happy to see you well… So, as I was saying, our sources tell us that Voldemort and his Death Eaters are planning an attack to a small muggle village in the countryside of England. Remus” - she pauses and looks to Moony whom I noticed for the first time is on the other side of the room, not looking at me on purpose - “found out that they are recruiting werewolves and plan to let the beas… creatures have a human banquet.”

 

This idea is so absurd that the room remains in that kind of silence that makes it difficult to breathe. I wonder how the one-who-lives-to-make-my-life-an-insufferable-hell comes with this kind of plan. How fucked up one must be to think of letting a village be eaten by werewolves? This is hard for me to come with terms because I have always been creative, especially on my revenge, but he is something else.

 

Remus walks to the center of the room and starts to talk in his teacher voice that I heard so many times when he was lecturing us.

 

“This battle is very important to us. I learned in my mission with the young wolves that Fenrir is trying to prove himself to his Lord. He promises to kill all the muggles and turn the order's members who might come to the rescue. As I reported to Minerva, my source tells me that the two youngest wolves are not evil but were mistreated by the wizarding world and now seek some kind of revenge, or compensation. Fenrir and his mate are manipulating them in order to gain power.”

 

Gideon Prewett interrupts and asks “Remus, do you think we can stop it before it happens? Is there something we can do, maybe talk to the young wolves beforehand?”

 

Moony breathes and sit beside Minnie before he starts to talk again. “ I don't see how we can do this, Gideon… it's in the nature of the night creatures not to trust, especially wizards, at least...when they are in their human form...” he doesn't look at me but I know I am the only one capable of understanding what he just said. A twinge of guilt sets in my stomach thinking about how Remus must be coping with the full moon these past months.

 

Remus continues his point of view adding with a stern voice. “My advice is to disguise ourselves in the village before the full moon and ambush them. There are not so many families and I think we might be able to send them away with an excuse and take their place. Maybe we can use polyjuice?”

 

Fabian, the other Prewett, looks with disbelief to him and interjects. “How can we deal with four werewolves? Are you crazy? They would smell us and kill us in a heartbeat.”

 

I spare Remus the trouble and answer him with what I know is his plan. “Fabian, there are some of us, who, let me say, has some expertise in dealing with the wolves. I think that Lupin is suggesting that we keep an eye to count the death eaters, that for sure ain't gone be present in a large number because they are afraid of being bitten. With some luck, we might be able to lure and “trap” the wolves inside one of the houses and keep them locked until the sun rises.”

 

Minnie looks at me and I know that she understands what we didn't want others to know. She is staring in my eyes when she says - “I understand what James and Remus are saying and trust them to do it. As an animagus, I can go with them, and be near the wolves without they see me. Remus, I think we should take you, Remus, James, Sirius and... Mckinnon? What do you think?”

 

“Minerva, during our third year, when Dumbledore had to teach one of the Defense Against the Dark Arts, he made us face a Boggart. If I remember right, and I do, I am sorry to say that Mckinnon worst fear was a werewolf. So, I must object to your suggestion. This mission is hard enough for us to risk her freaking out or freezing in the middle of it. Although I don't know if you will accept the suggestion, the only other person I know is ok with werewolves and can handle her job around them is...Lily.” I hate Remus. This motherfucking, son of a bitch, wolf. I am aware that I just said I missed him but it is not true, he is an evil and sadistic wolf.

 

“Remus” Minerva turns to me with what can only be described as disappointed eyes and asks “do you think it's wise with all the later trouble? Can you handle, Potter? Will Lily accept this mission? I really don't think she is going to be able to handle working with all of you at this moment, it is too soon.”

 

“Lily will accept for sure because this village is where her grandparents used to live. And she will handle it, she is not afraid of the night creatures. As for the wise part, obviously, with the recent events is not a smart decision or a fair one to her, to be honest, but I think she is our better option.” Remus is talking and all I can think about is how much my life is fucked up. How must I be able to confront Lily and Sirius together, plus werewolves? Am I being punished for all the times I laugh about Snivillius bad hair day? This is how I die, that's it. Mom, dad, I am coming, wait for me.

 

“James!”- Minnie snap me out of my thoughts. I gap at her as I say the biggest lie of the century. “I am good, Minnie. Count me in.”

 

Fabian and Gideon are looking at me with an amazing combination of doubt and pity. Remus is giving me the I am not sorry attitude and I can feel Minnie migraine from here. I wonder what Dumbledore would think about this, the batshit director would probably laugh of my misery and offer some candy.

 

“Ok, then. It's all set. We meet here tomorrow to plan our defense at 7 a.m. Good night people and stay safe. As Alastor says, constant vigilance!” Minnie dismissal reminds me so much of her transfigurate classes and simpler times.

 

I try to talk to Remus but he has already slipped through the door. I can't handle the judge in peoples eyes so I try to leave without too much fuss, when I am near the door I feel someone grab my arm. I turn and Fabian, who is with a ginger kid in his arm, is staring at me.

 

“What do you want, Prewett? How can I help you?” I say without malice because of I kind of like Molly's brothers. We were not in the same year, but our parents were friends since forever. “Potter, I know things are kind of rocky for you now, but if you feel the need to skip this up, I go in your place. We play wolf all the time, don't we, Bill?” The little boy makes an adorable noise and tries to scare me.

 

“Is this Molly's and Arthur kid?” I ask laughing of the kid antics. He is so little to be living in such a danger and cruel world. As I play with him, my heart hurts to think of the other boy, who may never be born now, that would probably have my black curly hair and, hopefully, his mother’s green eyes. To protect him, and his mother, I caused all my loved one's pain, I had to betray them in the only way, the worst way, I could think to make her leave me.

 

“Yes, this is my older nephew, Bill Weasley! He is three years old. Say hi to James, Bill” The ginger kid made a face and growl to me again setting us in another round of laughter, I kindly put my finger through his locks and he blew me a kiss.

 

“I don't wanna intrude in your mess of love life, but I mean it when I say that if you are not feeling up to work with Evans and Black, I can go in your place. I am not an expert in wolf problems as Remus kindly put, but I have been fighting most of my life. I even got to deal with a dragon in Gringotts, so I can handle.” Fabian is such a kind soul and I am so not worthy of his generosity and, although I wish nothing more than accept his offer, I know in my heart that I cannot betray Remus’ secret, and mine, and Sirius’. As wrong as it seems, Moony suggestion is as much of a punish as it is a sign of trust.

 

“Thank you, Fabian. Really, but as my late mother used to say, I made my bed, now I must lay in it. It will be hard, don’t get me wrong, but I actually think that this is a weird way of Remus to say that he never stopped trusting me. So, I must go. Of course, I may not come back in one piece… ”

“Well, James, it is war. None of us may come out of it alive or hole.”

Fabian laughs as he accepts my point. He shakes his head and goes back to where his brother is. Bill waves me goodbye before laying his head in his uncle's shoulder with a sleepy face and I hope he comes out of this hell ok. The pain I am in this moment is to protect the most wonderful woman I have ever met in my life.

 

I close my eyes before going home, to the inferno that is going to tell Mckinnon that I am going on a mission with Lily and Sirius and Remus. Lord, she is going to murder me. Once again, I think of the boy who made all this mess and how he is the most precious thing of my life although he may never exist. But nonetheless, because of him, I broke the heart of the love of my life. After years trying to make her fall in love with me and finally succeeded, I pretend to cheat on her with her best friend, who also is my brother ex.

I made all of this to protect my son. Our son. His mother and he are safe. But now, I am afraid he is never going to be born. Isn’t it ironic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind comments, constructive criticism and good ideas are always welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> First time posting, English not my first language, send writing tips.


End file.
